Some weeks are just weird. A veritable whirlwind of accidents, events, chaotic scheduling, driving, rushing. This week, like so many recently, was the epitome of busy. I look back and can’t think of the cuddly, sweet moments with Nixon that were surely there right (right?!!). I can’t think of laughing and hanging out with Ethan, because, well, we didn’t (did we?!!).
I can rattle off all the things I ‘accomplished’, crossed off my never ending to-do list but I can’t remember if I stopped to do any living this week.
Dave was away in Wellington which is always a bit crap and increases the chaos somewhat. But surely there had to have been more than a couple of moments in the past five days where I connected, was present and accountable, where I was singularly focused and giving of my attention? I can think of four occasions;
1. I invited a new friend and her son over for a play. I forgot to offer any refreshments. None.
2. I was commiserating with a beautiful young mum about her melanoma removals the day prior when I blurted out that my Dad died of melanoma, just to buoy her spirits you know!?. WTF was I thinking, who says something like that? I felt connected and present because I was acutely aware of what a total accidental asshole I was.
3. Mum made me go for a run. It was dusk in late autumn, it was crisp and cold and beautiful and I felt strong and revived. Until I got home, then I was just annoyed because I had to take a shower.
4. Mum made me run again.
See, I’m terrified I’m doing it all wrong at the moment. By ‘it’ I mean life.
I get the guilts when I try and work/blog/shoot photos when Nix is awake, yet I get mega anxiety if I fall behind on everything I need to do. Which is ridiculous. I’m a Mummy Blogger, I don’t have a boss, or deadlines {I mean I totally HAVE a boss, thing is he’s two & doesn’t always communicate his expectations that well, so I have some wriggle room ; P}.
I love THIS writing. The hard stuff, the funny stuff. The stuff where I can swear and be completely transparent. But I’m finding it more and more difficult to just sit down and get it OUT, onto the screen/interwebs/blog. Life’s a freaking balancing act isn’t it? You’ve got to work through and work hard at the small stuff, the menial tasks so you eventually get to the BIG picture, the place where you’ve always wanted to be. The hard part is remembering to stop and smell the roses once you get there. To breathe and take it all in before it slips away, to sit and read to your baby whenever he asks, because he will stop asking.
This morning, we let it all go and headed out as early as we could manage, went to Western Springs and just walked. We let the kids take their time. We looked at every eel Ethan could find, meandered around in circles with Nixon until his little legs couldn’t walk anymore. We slowed it down, did things a little differently and it felt good. We have to stop going in different directions so much and come back to just being US. Because that is all that matters.
Nixon is wearing: Little Flock of Horrors Merino Patch Leggings, The Warehouse Gumboots, Huxbaby Longsleeve from And They Lived Green, Vest from Cotton On Kids
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