Living with depression and anxiety of course means vastly different things to different people.
But, over time, it also means different things to those who live with it; each month, week, shit…….even each day, I can find myself mired in different manifestations of the same old thing. It sucks for me and I’m sure it totally sucks for my family who have to soldier on while Mum’s head is spinning.
How ironic then, that without even digging down too deeply (and psychoanalysing myself even more than I already do!) I know with conviction that what’s feeding this recent influx of anxiety is the one thing that used to bring me so much joy and creative freedom. This blog.
I’m writing this at 6.30am on a Saturday morning. I awoke suddenly, minutes ago as if I never actually slept. Kicked out of my precious and desperately needed slumber by one thought. Blog related of course. What. The. Fuck.
See, this blogging game is a serious hustle right now. The thing is and (revelation!) I’ve just realised this right this second, I’ve been hustling for all of the wrong reasons and all of the wrong people. Blogging in New Zealand has evolved massively over the past 18 months and it’s on the cusp of being a semi-lucrative little ‘hobby’. Or perhaps more than a hobby. Maybe even a ………. job?
When you have a ‘job’, there is someone paying your wages. The Man, so to speak. When a blogger, ie ME is working for The Man, guess what? More often than not it means I’m not working, writing, creating for ME. Or you for that matter.
This gives me the shits. Oh and massive anxiety, by the way.
I feel like I’m actually buried in obligations to people and brands, the trouble is, I’m not sure if these obligations actually exist or whether I’m just creating mad-precedents and expectations of myself that are a bit OTT. I remember a couple of years ago when one of my favourite bloggers Talia, who was totally on top of her game at the time – so I thought – announced that she was done with all of her commercial relationships and was just settling in to blog for herself again. I remember thinking “Whaaaaat?” But, Talia, someone sent you FREE stuff, isn’t your life complete now?
Bwahahaha. Oh how I laugh now.
Because I get it. And it’s totally doing my head in.
This little tour on the depression bus is almost entirely blogging related and I hate that something I love so much and am really, really proud of building is beginning to build me a little prison in my head. I’m just not sure I can keep up with the online-Joneses anymore. The pace this industry is moving is so fast and hectic that it’s entirely possible to lose yourself and everything you believe in in the process of ‘making it’, of getting ‘invited’, of receiving ALL the stuff, of being on ALL the lists.
I brainstormed the things I used to love blogging about – when I had the time – ie before the ‘obligations’ began to strangle me;
- I love cooking, photographing and blogging recipes. I was reminded of this yesterday as I finished a sponsored post involving baking. I miss this.
- I love just writing about LIFE. I am reminded of this EVERY DAMN DAY when I don’t write at all.
- I love crafting. I used to knit, crochet, make rad antler necklaces out of FIMO. I NEED more of this.
- Wardrobe Wednesday. That was fun. It challenged me to actually get dressed up and shop my closet. Does anyone still do this?
- I love taking beautiful pictures
- I used to love the blogging community. I don’t anymore. I miss you guys xx
These things may not be SEO friendly or currently kicking ass on Google Trends but they made me happy, and that’s got to count for something right?
I don’t know where this post leads, but I do know where I begin. That’s with my family. Secondly, the answer is right here in front of me, it’s in these words on this white page of pixels. Words that are true and are me and that I felt compelled, rather than obligated to write.